Sang Bunga

Aku tanya kau makna bahagia,
Kau geleng kepala, senyum lesu,
Kau penat barangkali dengan dunia,
Sikap-sikap bolos manusia,
Lantas kau rasa polosmu terasing,
Terpijak,
Teruji diusik tangan-tangan kotor.

Aku tanya kau makna cinta,
Yang  terlihat wujud dalam matamu,
seakan semua ruang itu kosong,
Tersalut benci dari banyaknya topeng yang mereka pakai,
Ruang kosong,
Cerca hambatan hatimu yang berlari celaru,
dunia tak wujud cinta sempurna.

Pabila ku pandang hadapan,
Kau yang ku tanya,
hanya bias dari realiti celaruku,
Satu cerminan, realitas kehidupan yang menjemukan,
Biar ku sorong langkah pincangku,
Cari makna kehidupan satu persatu,
Dan derap langkahku biar dirantai ideologi sang bunga,
Beri harum walau pada tangan yang menghancurkan.

Farhanah Kamaruddin
IIUM
291214

A fault , a ours

There was fault in our relationship,
Maybe it were mine,
Maybe it was yours,
Or maybe it were ours,

There was fault in our relationship,
Maybe it were ours,
I didn't walk away,
But you did.

There was fault in our relationship,
I stood and pursued believing there was hope,
There was chance; a second chance,
But you gave up.

There was fault in our relationship,
Maybe it were ours,
But you,
Chose to walk away.

121114
IIUM

Untuk awak...

Kalau sayang jatuh,
sambutkan,
biar sakitnya tak meretakkan.

Kalau sayang bangun,
pimpinkan,
biar berdiri tak rebah lagi.

Kalau sayang berjalan,
seiringkan langkah,
supaya awak tak hilang dari pandangan.

Kalau sayang belari,
biar rentak kita sama,
tuju Tuhan.

IIUM
111114

I have a heart

I have,
a heart, 
Of a child,
When I need only you,
and nobody else.

I have,
a heart,
Of an agony man,
When I despise you,
and I feel nothing.

I have,
a heart,
Of a loving mother,
When I treat you nice,
and I expect nothing in return.

I have,
a heart,
Of a winner never lose,
When I want something,
I will never stop until I win.

But the end,
You see, in me,
A heart of a mere human,
fragile, a simply broken,
a one needs to be nurtured with love.

A one makes mistakes easily,
to not forgive quickly though,
because in me,
Is a heart of a human,
Neither an angle nor a devil.

021114
IIUM

The image; crying little child

let me tell you what loneliness feels like,
you look to the stars but none blinks its sparks ,
you get drenched under the rain but you appreaciate none of its drop,
you are in the crowd of laughter but none of them makes you happy,
you are in the breezy day but the serenity never calm you,
you are in fields of flowers but their beauty don't catch your look,

because in loneliness;
you look to nobody except yourself; the image of crying little child in you
you seek the hand of a mother-like, but nobody reaches you
for false reality portrays; you are a happy geek
the tears you mute, silence your happiness
it kills you,
but you, will worry nobody

because they believe;
you are an adult
less dependent, should be your character
we should worry you, lesser than less

because they don't see;
that crying little child in you
it buries your sincere laughter

because you don't show;
for you, love to worry nobody.

IIUM
281014

Tired of missing you

I am tired of missing you
Tired of hugging all the memories
It close to my  heart
yet far from reality
It entangles my happiness
even a breathe of smile is a struggle
Living my life so misery

When I see you
I know deep down in my heart I want us back
and I hate myself,
for you, have stop loving me
I hate myself, for never be good enough for you

I am tired of missing you
of all those memories
Tired of hoping you will be mine someday
Tired of hoping you will come back

Sing me your love song
for me, almost die of misery
and be sincere
for I, have already die of betrayal

251014
IIUM

A go away

I don't understand the language of silence

I live in the world where everything being said out loud

I believe in what I see, not in what I am being told

I believe in what I hear, not in what I am being retold

and what you show me is what you want me to know

and what you speak out loud with your action is clearer than your voice

And mind not;
I am not judging,
It is you, giving me a clear hint,

A go away.

FK

IIUM
251014

I don't understand love

I don't understand love
What is it?
Is it a saying?
From whom?
The sincere or the liars

Or
is it permanent?
or it changes within time
or it is a mere symbolism of the whole concept of life
a little bit heartache, so one could understand what is pain
to appreciate sweet short moment of happiness

Or
it is a game
to see who get hurt the most
to see who is more capable
to judge whom suits you most

Little scattered of real life values
Overshadow the perception of real meaning of love
Who is sincere or otherwise
Who can give commitment and stay loyal
Who can be better or the best

I don't understand what is love
  When I stand in front of you
Even deep look into your eyes,
still, I couldn't understand what is in your heart
it shadows me from future you
and before I could realize
it already scattered me apart

I don't understand what is love
and I left myself, puzzled
for I am,
Tired.

FK

IIUM

24102014

My apology

I am afraid to be nice
it makes me vulnerable
   like I am afraid to be too sincere
as I am giving chances for somebody to hurt me

I am afraid to be true
saying things right religiously
when it contradicts the norm
like the talk to the deaf- nobody is listening

But I am too, afraid
   the day I will stand before my Lord
when every single actions count
of what I have done- silent approve of all those

My voice doesn't echoes to you
for piousness of mine is not enough
to open your eyes
or to touch your heart

I am afraid
when I look to my yesterday
like my fear, when I foresee my future
but you, couldn't understand none

I stumble
and the hope you gonna catch me fades
You see I am drowning
but not my struggle

My apology won't be enough
for you to see how fallible I am
or it's your ego doesn't catch my look
and notice my silent tear drops

IIUM
221014

You know how much I love you?

You know how much I love you?
Like when you look to the sky
You don't know neither the starting nor the ending point
Or like when you sink your look to the sea
You don't know the depth
Or like when you look to the stars
The brightest amongst all
Which steal the look
Like you steal the heart of mine
Or like when you touch the earth
The gravity that grounded; like you
Keep me at where I shall keep my pace

Or like when you ponder the whole universe
The amazement
That belong to the Greatest
Whom creates you and me
and the love temperament

Of how much I have loved you
That's how much I will always love you

As long as He allows me to keep you in my heart
This every heart beats of mine, will never forget you.

111014
TM

Because she is a woman

Because she is a woman
She bites her lips
to silence her tears
She is afraid nobody will listen to her lament

Because she is a woman
Her weakness belong to whom she loves
ignorantly being a bitch to protect them
and people say she is rough

Because she is a woman
When her man betrayed her
People whisper; she is too busy with her career
That's why his man leave her

and fidelity implies one sidedly
Not her man's fault of not loving her enough
Not her man's fault when he is not honest
Not her man's fault when he is not loyal

With a common man saying;
"Because he is a man"
      but people forget;
She is a woman

A woman; with a heart
A once, a youth with beauty
With the hope love lasts forever
His heart belong to her eternally

People say;
"Because he is a man"
Love fades when beauty gone
     and he loves another lass

They forget
She is a woman; with a heart
whose beauty of her youth; unappreciated
staying loyal by his man's side

They forget
They forgive him
saying it is a fate
overlooking there is a choice beforehand

They forget
She is a woman; with a heart
Whose her beautiful youth wasted to her man
Who says, "I don't love you the same"

290914
IIUM

That Girl You Used To Love

    I wish you to know a thing;
If I meet you
And I seems so agitated of looking somewhere else
The place at where there is no you
Know then
In those two eyes
Whether there is unrequited love folds silently
     or the roar of hatred that I never have wished you to see

   I wish you to know a thing;
That girl you used to know
  Used to be so sincere
  Used to stay silent when she is mad
  Used to say "I love you" when she's truly mean it
  Used to believe somebody will take care of her

And her whom you used to know
  Is no longer her anymore
And she is
  Her better self
  Slave to the all-Knowing

Whom will take care of her
Love Her
and Whose promise will never break.

IIUM
220914

You guess you love

You guess love will be right
The moment you get her heart
You guess you will love her forever

You guess love will be right
The moment you look into his eyes
You guess you will love him forever

Time reveals
She is not you dream girl

Time reveals
He is not your prince Charming

She is just her flaw self
He is just his flaw self

You guess you love her
You guess you love him

Reality echoes;
You love the expectation
And the flaws fade all the love

As nobody teaches you;
Love is something that makes you see perfection in the imperfection itself

FK

IIUM

Misty Mine

I am loving you still
Even when every pieces of my sane rebels
At where I see my misty mine

Sink in agony dream of best life
Lost within sadness
Drown there
Drown still

As my sight searching for only you
I let others in vain
While you are fantasy
I keep waiting though

As I am loving you still
With every pieces of me
Keep wanting the only one
Who keeps hurting me

As I am loving you still
I lost myself
To my own fantasy us

TM
Aug14

Hey Mr!

To have know,
To have faith,
If you are mine,
You will be mine one day,

Hold the silly me,
As deep down my heart,
I have always wanted only a thing,
For you,
To wait, me.

010914

ImpianaVilla

People

The day you stop trying
People say you are wimpy
But they understand none

The day you have stop crying
People say you are cold-blooded
But they understand none

Of all
Enough of people
For them, understand none

290814

TheZonHotel

His love

I don't know you
Pretend you don't know me either
Maybe I did know you-once
When I was so young and immature
When I was so blinded by all those fantasies
Maybe I did know you
In my fading sadistic memory
The lane which I regret I had paved
Maybe I did know you
I forget how was it
Lest I never forget how bitter was that feeling
Till I embrace my own knees
Tears resemble those memories most
I foresee no love belongs to you
I have seen only to Him this love soothing me
To root His love deep to my heart
I search too far deeper
In my way, I see no you
Looking back to ignorant is never my choice
Will you make your pace to me?
Towards Him
I wish to meet Him smiling at me
And you there as mine
Will you make your pace to me?
Towards Him
Me as yours along the journey
And Him smiling at us
Or that us never exist
In my fantasy I safekeep you
In reality, I crawl for Him
And see the selfless myself cynically
Smile to selfish you for never lending your hand.

Our street?

Walking down the street
Of empety road
Lest there a promise
I'll wait you at the end of it
I'll clutch your hand
I'll not choose another junction
Even if there's only two of us there
I'll brave my way
As long as there is us
I will always be beside you
If one day
Day seems falling apart
Night seems never soothing
And I see no longer me in your dream
Let me know
For love never hurt me
Lie does
I'll brave my way
Even when us no longer exist
And that when I see you
I know who I am
And who shall I love
MYSELF
Farfetched dream of us both
Underlying in history
I will keep it forever there
And you shall know
Only fool falls twice
Sooner wiser me
Leaving you
With all fading trust
Lest I fall apart
I am not broken

Love betrayal

It never was the separation that hurts,

Betrayal does,

Little by little you stop trusting yourself,

Little by little you know what you deserve best,

And that anguish feeling,

Lingers in the heart,

Piercing yourself and ye never know why,

All the promises keep echoing,

And that little trust in your heart smile cynically,

What we are doing??

We aren't suppose to be here,

Ye know, he is evil enough,

To let you believe and break you,

To let you fall without any intention to catch you,

To see you get hurt without even lending a hand,

And ye know,

Promises comprise of words,

Said by all,

But little true people prove it,

And hypocrites, wish to only utter.

And moron, 

Do naively believe, doubtless.

Ye know,

The wise man says,

Do believe in what people do,

Not in what they say.

It never was the separation that hurts,

Betrayal does,

When love can only be believed by a fool,

This heartache is never capable to be fully described,

Neither by words nor by actions,

That the heart who feels it can only fully understand.

One day ye will understand why,

And ye know,

Will it be too late?

Time will answer you.

030814

Jalan

Kita berjalan pada bumi yang sama

Tapi lebih selesa jalan itu berturap

Kakimu takkan kotor berdebu

Matamu juga takkan pedih

Susah membuat kau faham

Bila jalan yang kau lalu berbeza

Kalau lorong yang kita pilih pun tak sama

251214

Bayang-bayang

Yang selalu teringat akan kamu itu aku
Sedang kamu?
Aku umpama bayang-bayang bukan?
Sekadar ada
Kadang dicari
Kadang diendah
Kerana aku umpama bayang-bayang
Aku takut melangkah sendiri
Kerana aku umpama bayang-bayang
Pergiku dipandang sepi
Atau mungkin
Kau tersedar saat mentari menyengat bisanya
Sedang aku ketika itu
Bukan lagi aku
Atau kamu
Bukan lagi kamu
Yang tinggal untuk kita hanya memoir
Dan kata maaf hanya penamat


220913

Mirage

Life-full of uncertainty
Whenever I can't cope
I hug my own shadow gently
For no one really cares

Meanwhile I were sick of hoping
Hope as mirage
Sooner and sooner fading
Left me with nothing else

Lend me my own hand
May I bravely walk my journey
Handicapped
And tomorrow see You flawlessly

Alas see me here smiling
For I never truly in love with this ephemeral side.

020414
IIUM

Little things

All those little things that you have taken for granted.
All those little things that you think do not matter.
All those little things that you perceive as trivial.

Yet those little things,
When they are gone,
When it is too late,
When everything shall be fold silently in teary future,
It will be significant.
Ain't it?

And some will say;
I shall do my best
I shall value it more

Yet past is past.

TRUE LOVE

“Love is blind, isn’t it? I think this is ridiculous since there is no such thing beauty lies in the eyes of beholder, if you are ugly, you are ugly then. Why are you fan of this kind of novel? ” Janet put the novel back in my bookshelf. 

The novel was about a pretty girl who had lost her beauty due to a rare skin disease. However, the hero would tell her everyday that she was pretty and stayed loyal by her side till the day she died. I grinned and said to Janet;

 “Love is blind and I believe it, and I believe people will do anything out of love”, Janet looked at me cynically. 

“You can say such thing because you are beautiful and you have almost everything in your life. Others can’t be as wishful thinking as you are because they know it just a lie”, Janet tried to argue with me “and Adam loves you so much. You are lucky.”

4 June 2008 was the day I met Adam. Adam was a nice guy and Janet once said that Adam was every girls' dream. It was a hot sunny school day when I had a long queue to buy ice-cream. 

“I want a cornetto ice-cream” I asked from the vendors.

 “It is sold out; do you want any other ice-cream?” 

I only eat cornetto ice-cream and it was unlucky that the last cornetto ice-cream was bought by the boy who queued in front of me. 

“Eve, you can have mine”, the boy who queued before me offered his ice-cream and I was surprised he knew my name.  

 His class was opposite to my class and I always saw him every day yet I never knew who he was. We became closer after that day. He was my senior, two years older than me.  He admitted that he always peeked out through the windows and always turned away when I caught him looking at me.

It was a good day. The sun shyly penetrates its light. Kids were playing and laughing happily. I wished I could turn back at my childhood moment. I sat a bench, waiting. Adam promised to meet as he said he had something important to tell. It was a day before he went abroad to further his study. Someone touched my shoulder and it was him. He smiled and gave me a rose. 

“Eve, I love you deeply and I hope you are willing to wait me”, Adam confessed and I saw sincere hope in his eyes. 

Knowing him for almost a year, I am sure he was the one for me. Soon, his family moved as his father was promoted and that was the last time I met him.

Years passed by and Adam still contacted me. He sent e-mail frequently and always cared about me. I was happy to have him in my life. I never regretted to say yes before. It had been four month since Adam last sent an e-mail to me. I was worried if something bad happened to him. One week later, I received an e-mail from him. He apologized for making me worried, saying he was too busy since he is in his last semester. He had graduated and he wanted to meet me at our favorite café. I was thinking about Janet’s words.

 Will Adam be my true love?

 When I said Janet was too pessimistic about love, she said “I am not pessimist, I am realist” 

A week passed, it was 4 June 2012. Adam said it should be a special day for something special. Adam was there when I arrived. I looked at him from far, trying to assure myself he would be able to accept me. He was as charming as before, a guy whom able to melt a girl’s heart. He took out a ring and stared as if he was thinking deeply. He hid it in his pocket. A waiter came to him and asked whether it was the time. Adam said wait until the girl come. 

I was not sure to go or leave. I was afraid to be disappointed. After an hour, I decided to approach him. He was shocked when he saw me. He greeted me. Only silence filled our conversation. I looked at him and I knew he was miserable. 

 “Eve, I am sorry to say that I can’t keep our relationship. Sorry for your waiting. I need to go now as I have something to do.” 

Adam leaved me alone there. I cried though I tried my best to hold my tears. A waiter came and gave me a bouquet of flowers. It was red roses. The waiter said it was from Adam. 

“It is not for me, you have mistaken”, I said to the waiter and walked away.

  “It was for Eve that he met five years ago and that gift won’t fit a girl like me”, my heart hurted more than I thought it would.

 That beautiful Eve whom Janet always complimented was Eve before she fell from a cliff during hiking two months ago. I saw my reflection in the mirror at the sidewalk and wondering,

“Who wants to marry a crippled girl like me?” 

::A short two-pages hand-written story while i am in foundation level, i miss cfs so much. No words can describe it :(

My love song

For the song i never sing to you

it echoes loneliness in my heart

sing me your love sing

let me hear the melody

My life

for the song i never sing to you

it echoes loneliness in my heart

Where shall i go?

if my only place is your destiny

for the song i never sing to you

Will you listen?

one day in the farthest future

future that i am afraid my soul won’t never touch

Will you listen to my love song

one day in the farthest future.

 IIUM GOMBAK

060214

Kisah Biawak

Semasa aku sedang menunggu kawan aku, aku tengok sekelililing dan aku nampak biawak dalam ‘sungai UIA’. Macam ‘comel’ jer. Kalau jadi biawak best jugak kan?

Eh?

Aku pelik semacam?

Dalam al-Quran menyebut tentang kisah penyesalan orang kafir yang ingin menjadi tanah. Alangkah beratnya tanggungjawab menjadi manusia.

....."Alangkah baiknya kalau aku menjadi tanah (supaya aku tidak dibangkitkan untuk dihitung amalku dan menerima balasan)". (Surah an-Naba;40)
 

Manusia

 

Menjadi manusia ada tanggungjawabnya, bukan hidup sekadar hidup. Jika hidup sekadar hidup, biawak juga hidup. Manusia itu istimewa, diberi kelebihan berbanding makhluk ciptaan Allah yang lain. Kelebihan itu adalah akal yang mampu berfikir untuk mencari kebenaran dan itulah yang membezakan makhluk yang dinamakan haiwan dan manusia. Biawak tahu makan,minum, tidur dan banyak lagi tapi yang aku pasti biawak tak masuk kelas kuliah. Lantas jika manusia malas belajar, apakah bezanya? Lantas bilamana manusia itu malas menggunakan akalnya untuk berfikir, apa bezanya?

Untuk aku dan sahabat

Tahniah kerana berjaya maju setapak lagi dalam kehidupan. Mencecah kaki ke dimensi kehidupan yang baru, kehidupan mahasiswa/i.

Tahniah kerana berjaya menyempurnakan bai’ah dan secara rasminya bergelar pelajar UIA. Tahniah sebab kita sama-sama nyanyi lagu UIA yang ada frasa ‘is to realize the meaning of khalifah’

Tahniah!

P.S : Aku bersyukur dilahirkan sebagai manusia. Imaginasi aku memang melampui sempadan manusia normal tatkala emosi aku serabai. Entri ini spesifiknya untuk aku yang malas sangat nak belajar.